Don't Be So Agreeable
It’s the stereotype - Asian Americans (especially are women) are Agreeable, accommodating, passive, and submissive. Of course, not all Asian Americans will identify that way. But for most of us, whether we know it or not, we may be acting out those stereotypes in both our close relationships and with the strangers on the street.
It’s a valuable trait to be Agreeable (one of the Big Five Personality Traits). Someone who is Agreeable values social harmony, cooperation, and getting along with others. Generally, that means Agreeable people are friendly, generous, helpful, and willing to compromise. All great things. However, if we value Agreeableness too much, it can often lead us to violate our own boundaries. That means doing something that is incongruent with our own identity, for the sake of someone else’s comfort. Allowing something to happen that, if you had it your way, would never happen. This can happen in seemingly harmless innocuous ways, like when someone catches you off guard with a pointed personal question that you’re not ready to share. You answer anyway, because you don’t want to make the other person feel bad for asking, or make the situation socially awkward. Boundary violations can also happen with our closest loved ones. Maybe in your youth, your Asian American parents had strong opinions about your career path, regardless of what you personally wanted to pursue. As it is a trope that all Asian American parents want their children to be doctors or lawyers (or want you to marry a doctor or a lawyer), if it was pushed upon you when it was something you didn’t want for yourself, you’ve experienced a violation of your boundaries.
If you value friendliness, generosity, and compromise (aka the benefits of being Agreeable), you can learn to embody those traits without having to be uncomfortable with yourself and compromising your own identity. It can start in small steps - when someone asks you a personal question, take a second to breathe and really think about the information they’re requesting. Make an intentional and conscious decision about whether or not you want this person to know this about you, rather than trying to go along with the flow of the conversation. Also don’t be afraid of that ‘awkward silence’ - it’s better to endure that awkward silence, than to regret your decisions later. And with time, you’ll find that those moments stop feeling so awkward after all.
With your closest loved ones, like your family, this might be harder to do than with friends or acquaintances. It might actually be the people who taught you to value being Agreeable in the first place. And the closer they are to you, the more accustomed they are to your level of Agreeableness. Shifting that long trenched dynamic will undoubtedly involve some growing pains. You might feel like you are disrespecting their World and their love for you when you choose to uphold your own identity. And it can be a trepidatious balancing act between your own values and your Asian American culture. But there is a way to find harmony in that seeming dissonance. As always, start with small steps, and gently begin to challenge the established routines of your relationship. With persistence and dedication, you could find a new balance in your relationships with your loved ones, even if it may not be how you originally envisioned it. Because, no matter what that world looks like, you deserve to have a world where you feel at peace with yourself, and in harmony with your loved ones.
What are some ways that you’ve experienced violations of your boundaries? How about some ways that you’ve maintained integrity of your values? And if that peaceful and harmonious future seems utterly out of reach for you, maybe your boundaries are worth thinking more about than just this blog post. Consult a friend, do some journaling, or contact us to schedule a free consultation call. And don’t be afraid to be un-Agreeable.