Asking for Help

Difficulty asking for help. 

Unfortunately, it seems to be a common experience, not just for Asian Americans, but for most people. 

There can be a myriad of cultural or internal motivations that make it hard for us to ask for help. In Asian families for example, it’s common to be taught to keep up appearances and ‘save face,’ even with extended family members. Being taught to prioritize your image from a young age might lead to difficulty asking for help as we get older. Of course, the cultural value of protecting the family image isn’t necessarily all a bad thing, there is value in caring for your family. But when it crosses the line into a paralyzing inability to ask for help, then it can cause problems in your life. 

Maybe for you, being vulnerable in general is a foreign concept. You pride yourself on being seemingly infallible, someone who doesn’t ever need help. You feel joy from being the one that others rely on, not being the one that relies on others. Your identity is wrapped up in being ‘reliable’ or being ‘the helper’, that there isn’t much room for you to ask for help from others when the occasion arises. 

Thanks to innovative researchers like Brene Brown, there is now a plethora of research indicating that vulnerability is healthy and good for us as individuals. But there is more to asking for help than the individual benefits we experience. It turns out that relying on others in times of need strengthens your relationships and helps others too. For example, in a romantic partnership, when your partner has an opportunity to support you, it can boost your partner’s mood, and when your partner feels helpful to you, they are more likely to report relationship satisfaction. 

When you think about it, the logic seems to make sense. Everybody loves to feel good. And it’s a nice feeling when you know you’ve provided some sort of value or support to someone you care about. There’s also something pleasant in knowing that you are someone’s confidant, that you have been trusted to know their inner workings to depths that others do not know. People generally want to feel useful in the eyes of others, and especially in the eyes of those they care about and love. In other words, it feels good to help others. 

As with everything, there are things to keep in mind with this research finding. If you make somebody feel like they are being used, rather than valued, it will not be a positive experience for them. Meaning, when you ask for help from someone, you don’t want that other person to feel like they are being taken advantage of, but rather that they are appreciated for their help and support. 

Also, everybody has their own strengths and what they are comfortable doing. When somebody is able to support someone they love in a domain they are confident in, the benefits they experience are stronger. So if your friend is a finance and spreadsheet wizard, asking them to help you with a budget spreadsheet could give them a deep sense of personal satisfaction and contentment. 

So the next time you find yourself wanting help but feel plagued by heavy thoughts such as ‘I don’t want to be a burden’, ‘I don’t want them to know how much I’m struggling’, ‘I can handle this by myself’, ‘I don’t need others’, ‘they don’t need to know my business’, ‘they don’t want to help me’, pause those thoughts. Remember that it actually makes others feel good to help you. It brings your loved ones joy, purpose, and value to support you in your times of need. And when you do open up and rely on others, not only does it positively impact you and that person, but it also strengthens your relationship. The first step in reaping all those benefits is to ask!