Healthy Relationships during a Global Pandemic
California’s first Stay-at-Home order was given on March 16. As we near the end of summer, those of us living with a partner have most likely spent an innumerable amount of time with our partners. Much more than usual. At first, the experience might have been fun. Maybe you got to work together from home in your pajamas, get take-out from your local favorite restaurants, and create fancy dinners at your own dining room table.
Then it might have gotten exhausting.
Now, it seems it’s time for us to buckle down and get ready for the long haul. The long haul of cancelled plans, postponed trips, masks to the grocery store, and… spending an unusual amount of time at home with our partners.
When you transition to seeing someone a lot more than you are used to, it is normal to experience some growing pains. And if you find yourself increasingly irritated or frustrated with your partner as the pandemic goes on, take a breath. It’s to be expected.
You are living in a pandemic, and it's natural that everything is under extra stress, your relationship included. Here are some tips to be able to manage pandemic-related relationship stress.
1. Notice the Unnoticed
What are some things your partner does for you or your relationship without you realizing? What are some invisible things that they do to keep the relationship turning? Do they take out the trash, refill the water filter, stock up on toilet paper, turn off all the lights at the end of the day, make the bed every day? Whatever it is, take some time to notice the invisible actions that keep your world moving.
2. Cultivate Gratitude for Your Partner
Once you notice those things, then you can start to develop gratitude for your partner and for everything they do. How do you cultivate gratitude? Try (literally) sitting with all that your partner does for you. Go through everything you notice they do without being asked or acknowledged. Then recognize the impact that those unacknowledged gestures have on your partnership. And practice thankfulness for the person who brings those efforts to your life to support you and your relationship.
3. Know your Inner World
You have to know what is going on for yourself in order to be able to communicate that to others. For example, you might be experiencing significant levels of stress because of financial insecurity, COVID, work stress, or any other number of other things. And if you are unaware of your internal state, you might not be aware of how you are unintentionally affecting the relationship. During a pandemic, as always, you have to be aware of yourself, and be accountable for what you are bringing to the table in a relationship.
4. Practice Clear and Assertive Communication
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, the biggest hurdle I hear from couples is 'communication issues'. Learning how to communicate well with your partner can be a lifelong process, and it is important enough that you need to make it a priority. Once you get a firm grip on your inner world, if there is anything you want your partner to notice, acknowledge, or respond to, practice assertive communication to get yourself heard.
5. Know the Love Languages in Your Relationship
Knowing the love languages in your relationship goes hand in hand with communication. If you speak French and your partner speaks Japanese, the more time you spend together, the more apparent it will become that you are not speaking the same language. Learning your love languages is akin to picking up a French-Japanese translating dictionary. It's something you're going to have to do if you want to emotionally understand each other and be understood.
6. Identify and Pursue Shared Goals
Research indicates that working towards a goal with someone else can be much more effective than doing it on your own. For example, things like losing weight or quitting smoking can be more successful if you are accountable to others than yourself. Now that you are spending so much time with your partner, take the opportunity to identify some goals that you can work towards together, like decluttering the kitchen, a new hobby, or even a shared business venture. Be careful that you are not pushing your goals onto your partner, but that it is something you both feel genuinely feel motivated to pursue.
7. Refuel Yourself Alone
Yes, you might be spending a lot of time with your partner, and if you live in a one bedroom apartment or a studio where there is absolutely no way for you to have privacy, this one might feel unattainable. Throw in other responsibilities (kids, chores, work, family, etc), the idea of alone time might seem like a dream of a distant past. However, that is precisely the reason why prioritizing time for yourself is important. It is not selfish or unreasonable to take time for yourself to do something that gives you joy and energy, so that you can come back to the relationship with renewed fervor and patience.
8. Focus on What You Can Change, Not on What You Can’t
There are things we can change - our hair style, the food we eat, and what time we go to sleep. There are things we cannot change - our height, our blood type, and a global pandemic. It’s healthy to be focused on your own sphere of influence and what you can change. However, once you start becoming preoccupied with things that you cannot change, that kind of ruminating is no longer healthy. Direct your attention and energy to what you can change, not what you can’t.
Living with a pandemic is an unnatural experience for all of us, and it's also an unnatural stressor for our relationships. With that in mind, try out these steps to help alleviate some of the stress of living with your partner in a pandemic world.