Outgrowing Your Relationship: What Does it Mean and Why It Doesn't Have to be Scary
In life, growth and change are inevitable for everyone. As we evolve and change as individuals, so do our relationships. It's not uncommon for couples to find themselves in a situation where one or both partners feel they've outgrown the relationship. But what does it mean to outgrow a relationship, and how can couples navigate this delicate process together?
Good news is, outgrowing a relationship doesn’t mean that the only inevitable solution is the ending of the relationship. While that can be what you choose, outgrowing a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that love has faded or that the relationship is destined to end. Rather, it means that individuals that make up the partnership have undergone significant personal growth or changes that have shifted their needs, values, or priorities. This can lead sometimes to a painful misalignment between partners, where they may find themselves on different paths or desiring different things from the relationship.
Recognizing the Signs of Outgrowing a Relationship:
Misalignment of Goals and Values: As we grow as people, our goals, values, and priorities may evolve. Something that was important to you in the past may no longer be important to you now, or vice versa. This is a natural flow of human life, and as we change, so do our hopes and dreams. If we find ourselves increasingly at odds with our partner’s values or aspirations, it could indicate that we are outgrowing the relationship.
Communication Breakdown: Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. When we struggle to communicate openly and honestly about our feelings, needs, and concerns with our partners, it can create distance and strain in the relationship. If we’re not talking about it, we’re not addressing it. If we’re not addressing it, we’re not doing what we can to navigate healthily through whatever we may be going through.
Emotional Distance: A sense of emotional disconnection or detachment from our partner can often a sign that you may be growing apart. This can look like a lack of physical or sexual intimacy, empathy, or understanding towards each other's experiences. If you are finding yourself emotionally disconnected from a relationship, regardless of what the cause may be, it’s important for you to address it.
Resentment and Conflict: Conflict is also an inevitable part of a relationship, and the presence of conflict does not have to indicate there’s anything sinister lurking in the water. However, lingering resentment or frequent conflicts over the same unresolved issues may indicate underlying dissatisfaction or unmet needs within the relationship. Resentment can erode the foundation of trust and intimacy between partners, and repeated conflict can cause a strain on any partnership.
Navigating the Process of Outgrowing a Relationship:
Cultivate Self Awareness: Each partner should take time for introspection to better understand our own needs, values, and desires. Self awareness lays the groundwork for honest communication and enables us to articulate our feelings and boundaries effectively. If we don’t know what’s truly important to us, we’re not going to be able to communicate our genuine needs and values to our partner. In other words, if you aren’t connected to your own values and needs, not only are you neglecting your own needs, you are also not giving your relationship the tools needed to be a fulfilling relationship for you.
Prioritize Communication: Open and compassionate communication is essential for navigating the challenges of outgrowing a relationship. Creating a safe space for you and your partner to express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns without judgment or blame is an undeniably important element in navigating change. When you are communicating, remember that active listening and empathy are crucial for understanding each other's perspectives.
Seek Professional Support: Couples therapy can provide a supportive environment for you and your partner to explore your own individual growth journeys and work towards mutual understanding and compromise. Especially if you find that you are struggling to find a safe space for communication, a therapy space can help you achieve that. A skilled therapist can help you and your partner with productive communication, helping you identify underlying issues, and offer support for navigating transitions within the relationship.
Embrace Change Together: Recognize that change is a natural part of life and relationships. Instead of resisting or fearing change, view it as an opportunity for personal and relational growth. Change is going to happen, no matter what we do. Since change is inevitable, embrace the journey of self discovery and encourage each other's aspirations and passions.
Reevaluate Relationship Dynamics: Take a step back to assess the dynamics of the relationship and identify areas where adjustments may be needed. Perhaps at the beginning of your relationship, you both wanted certain things, and now, those things may no longer be important to one or both of you. Discuss shared goals and values, and explore ways to realign your partnership to better support each other's growth and fulfillment.
Practice Self Compassion: Prioritize self compassion and individual growth as you navigate the process of outgrowing a relationship. Remember to treat yourself with kindness and care as you go through this process. Engage in activities that bring you joy, fulfillment, and personal growth. Cultivate a strong support network of friends, family, or community resources to lean on during challenging times.
Consider the Future: While it's important to honor the history and memories shared with your partner, it's also essential to consider the future trajectory of the relationship. Reflect on whether your partnership aligns with your own long term goals, aspirations, and values. It may very well be the case that you and your partner realize that your dreams for your futures have diverged. That is neither good nor bad, it is just further information that you can use to decide what your future will look like.
Ultimately, outgrowing a relationship is a natural and inevitable part of personal and relational growth. As life happens, so does change. By approaching the process with self awareness, open communication, and compassion, couples can navigate transitions with grace and understanding. Whether partners choose to evolve together or pursue separate paths, the journey of growth can lead to greater self discovery, fulfillment, and authentic connection with ourselves and the world. And that’s never a bad thing. If you think you may be outgrowing your relationship and want to process what that means in therapy, you can contact us to schedule a free therapy consultation.