Couples and Their Common Conflicts Part 1
In any relationship, conflict is not just inevitable; it's a vital aspect of growth and understanding between partners. These conflicts, if navigated with compassion, can lead to deeper intimacy and strengthened connection. Here, we explore some of the most frequent sources of tension for couples, and how we may work towards resolution with our partners.
1. Communication Breakdown
Many relationships struggle with poor communication at some point. So much so that 99% of the couples that reach out to me for couples therapy always inevitably mention “communication” as one of their struggles that they want to discuss in therapy. Couples can often struggle with expressing their needs, listening to understand, and responding with compassion, love, and care. Misunderstandings can also escalate when partners do not feel heard or understood, which can spiral any conversation into conflict.
Resolution Tip: Practice open and honest dialogue. Remember that your role is to understand, not force the other to understand you. If all partners approach the conversation with an intention to understand the other, it will create a path for clear connection and minimize room for misunderstandings. You can do that by practicing active listening, where you reflect back what your partner says, confirming understanding before responding. Also remember that you can only speak for yourself, not your partner. So stay away from “you always..” or “you don’t..” or any “you” statements. Instead, stick to the “I statements” to share your own experience, rather than speaking for your partner’s experience.
2. Financial Stress
Money issues are notorious for causing rifts in relationships. As they say, money is the #1 reason that couples cite when filing for divorce. As discussed in this post, stress about money is rarely only ever about the money, it bleeds into so many aspects into a relationship. Whether it's differing spending habits, disagreements on financial priorities, or the stress of debt, financial burden can lead to significant stress in a partnership.
Resolution Tip: Start by setting a time to discuss finances openly and without judgment (the ‘no judgment’ part is important! Put your Judgmental Part in a box on the shelf for this conversation). Create a budget together that respects everyone's goals and lifestyles. Establishing regular check-ins on financial matters can prevent misunderstandings and ensure all partners feel involved and respected. Maybe you can even attend financial classes together (check if your local credit union or library offers any financial literacy classes!). Building your financial future doesn’t have to be cause for stress, it can be an exciting goal that unites your partnership.
3. Differences in Libido and Intimacy Needs
A mismatch in sexual desire or different expectations regarding intimacy can create feelings of rejection and inadequacy in a partnership. It might be tough to talk about, or even admit, as sexual identities and desires can still be shrouded in shame and secrecy in our society. But just as we have different identities, it’s natural for us to have a sexual self, and for those sexual selves to sometimes experience misalignment with the people around us. Such discrepancies are common, but if left unchecked they can strain a relationship.
Resolution Tip: Communication is key (remember #1?). Identity and own your sexual desires and preferences, and discuss your needs and desires openly without criticism. Instead of letting any sexual misalignment cause any tension, or even resentment (a killer in any relationship), gently remind yourself that these experiences are common, and that they are things you can explore together. Consider scheduling intimacy if life's busy-ness gets in the way - scheduled intimacy is still intimacy. And don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist if you’d like to explore any deeper issues affecting intimacy in a safe therapeutic setting.
4. Shared Labor
In today’s fast-paced world, there seems to be always a million things that we are responsible for, and it may seem impossible to stay on top of everything. This can be especially stressful if one partner feels they are shouldering more responsibility than their partner. You can imagine - when you feel you are drowning in responsibilities and labor, the negative impact it can have on a relationship if you feel your partner is not equitably sharing these burdens with you. In relationships, there’s always emotional, mental, physical, and invisible labor that needs to be shouldered, and when these burdens are not shared equitably (or even acknowledged), it can be extremely straining on a relationship.
Resolution Tip: Regularly discuss your roles and contributions, and be open to adjusting roles as necessary. Remember that it’s important to not only share these responsibilities, but also to acknowledge the labor that your partner is doing to maintain your relationship. And if you are feeling burdened by the labor you’re doing in the relationship, it’s important that you clearly communicate these feelings (again, back to #1!) before they build to resentment and anger. Also remember that in the midst of these responsibilities, time together is just as important. You can prioritize time together by planning date nights or specific times to connect without distractions.
Check back in next week for Part 2 for other common conflicts between couples. And if you find yourself relating to some of these points, don’t let that discourage you! Instead, I hope it brings you some comfort to know that these conflicts are extremely common with relationships, and that these conflicts don’t have to be irreparably damaging. If you are wanting to work together to overcome some of these stressors together, don’t hesitate to reach out for a free consultation.