Couples and Their Common Conflicts Part 2
Last week, we began the conversation about common conflicts that couples experience, and what we can do in response. This week, let’s continue the conversation by learning about other types of conflict that couples go through.
5. Parenting Differences
If you are a parent, you know that being responsible for another living being can bring tremendous stress. In ideal situations, parenting is a team effort - each caregiver has a role to play that is complimentary and supportive of one another. However, parenting is not easy, and it can test the strongest of relationships. For example, differences in parenting styles can lead to disagreements and resentment; these different parenting styles may also bring up conflict in your relationship that’s going all the way back to your own childhoods and the ways that you were raised. It can also spark tension if it feels as if there’s no equity in the shared labor (remember #4 from last week?).
Resolution Tip: Take some time to discuss your parenting philosophies. To do this, it might be helpful to talk about your own childhoods, the parenting that you experienced when you were a child, and the family dynamics you come from. This can help support understanding of one another, as well as deepen your own understandings of your parenting approaches. Also, aim for consistency in your approach as parents. Remember that you are on a team with your partner, not on opposing teams.
6. In-Laws and Extended Family
Navigating relationships with in-laws and extended family members can be a significant source of tension for couples. Differences in family dynamics, cultural backgrounds, and expectations can create conflict, and can cause pain in the relationship if left unaddressed. For example, you and your partner may have different ideas about what an appropriate in-law relationship looks like, or how much involvement from your parents is expected in your own romantic relationship and decision making.
Resolution Tip: Start by discussing your respective family dynamics and any concerns you may have. You can identify which patterns and traditions from your own family line that you’d like to continue, as well as other patterns and cycles that you do not wish to repeat in your own relationship. Together, establish boundaries that are respectful of all partners' needs and preferences. If needed, don’t hesitate to communicate these boundaries clearly to your families, emphasizing that your relationship as a couple is a priority. It’s possible to have a balance between maintaining family connections and prioritizing your relationship, even if it may take some trial and error.
7. Insecurity and Trust
Feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and mistrust can arise in any relationship. We all live with an Insecure Part within us that may flare up in different contexts and situations, and relationships are not exempt from that. There will be dynamics, behaviors, or patterns from your partner that trigger the Insecure Part of you. And when attachment injuries happen, such as feeling betrayed or let down by your partner, they can pave the way for strained trust in a relationship.
Resolution Tip: First, remember these feelings are natural and common. It doesn’t make you a bad person or partner to feel insecure, distrustful, or jealous at times. Acknowledge these feelings for yourself first, then you can address these feelings openly and honestly with your partner. Practice active listening and empathy to understand each other's perspectives. Insecure Parts can be reassured with the support of a loving and caring partner. If trust has been broken, it can be rebuilt with consistent communication, transparency, and actions that show commitment to the relationship. If you are struggling with understanding causes of insecurity of distrust in your relationship, consider seeking therapy to help understand these topics better.
8. Personal Growth and Changes
This one may seem counterintuitive - how could a growth be a cause for conflict? But you hear it all the time - ‘he’s not the person I married’, ‘I don’t recognize you anymore’ and other similar refrains. As we evolve and change as individuals, we are inevitably changing the dynamics that have been built with our partners. When one part of the system changes, the entire system feels the effects. And while some of these systemic changes may be wonderful, others might need some time for adjustment.
Resolution Tip: Embrace change as a natural part of personal growth and relationships. Just as it would be unfair for anyone to expect you to never change, it would also be unkind for you to not give your partner the space to change and grow. To make sure you are changing and growing together, maintain open communication about your individual dreams, goals, and evolving needs. Support each other's personal growth journeys while also nurturing your connection as a couple. This can also be a great time to explore opportunities to grow together by trying new activities, setting mutual goals, and celebrating each other's achievements. To learn more about this, read this article about ‘outgrowing’ your relationship.
9. Expectations vs. Reality
We all know how devastating it can be when we realize that our realities don’t match up to the expectations that we had been holding. Relationships are not immune to that. You and your partner may have different expectations for and of the relationship, and when those expectations collide with each other and with reality, it can create frustration, disappointment, and resentment if left unaddressed.
Resolution Tip: Take some time on your own to reflect on your expectations for the relationship. What is it that you hope for, and what spoken or unspoken expectations do you have from your partner and relationship? Once you have that clarity for yourself, communicate them openly with your partner. Approach this conversation with a willingness to compromise and adjust your expectations to align with the reality of your relationship and the expectations of your partner. Focus on appreciating and valuing the strengths and positive aspects of your partnership while working together to address any areas of dissatisfaction or unmet needs. Regularly check in with each other to ensure that your expectations remain realistic and are in alignment with all partners’ values.
Conclusion
Conflict in relationships isn't a sign of a failing partnership but an opportunity for growth. By recognizing common conflict areas and responding to them with kindness, compassion, and commitment, couples can enhance their understanding, deepen their connection, and build a fulfilling bond. If you find yourself struggling with these issues, please contact us for a free phone consultation.