Relational Trauma
What is Relational Trauma?
Ideally, in our most intimate and important relationships, we would experience support, safety, and comfort. However, that unfortunately is not the case for all of us. When we experience a breach of trust in these important relationships, it can lead to relational trauma. Relational trauma is a form of emotional injury from a significant relationship. They often manifest in people who have experienced neglect, betrayal, or abuse in their intimate relationships, like with family members, romantic partners, or close friends. As these relationships tend to be the most influential in our lives, the harm from these relationships can consequently leave deep, lasting scars. Relational trauma can be commonly traced to childhood experiences, such as abusive or neglectful parenting. However, adults can experience relational trauma as well, through experiences of manipulation, betrayal, or violence from a trusted loved one.
The Psychological Impact of Relational Trauma
Attachment Issues
One of the most significant impacts of relational trauma is on our emotional attachment. Early relational trauma, especially in childhood, can disrupt our ability to form a secure attachment to our caregivers. If the relationship with our caregivers doesn’t feel safe, rather than forming a secure attachment, we may develop anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment in order to make sense of the harm we receive from that caregiver. The attachment that we form with our caregivers can be deeply influential in how we connect with others throughout our lives. Those of us with anxious attachment may need constant reassurance, whereas people who are avoidantly attached may find it difficult to form close and vulnerable relationships.
Self Esteem and Self Worth
Relational trauma can frequently damage a our self esteem and self worth. Being mistreated or neglected by an important person in our lives can lead us to internalize beliefs that we are unworhty and inadequate. If you’ve experienced relational trauma, you may find that you struggle with doubting yourself, criticizing yourself, and a pervasive sense of shame. These harmful beliefs about ourselves can then hinder our ability to grow and pursue fulfilling intimate relationships.
Emotional Dysregulation
Trauma from our relationships can severely impact our emotional regulation. If you’ve lived through relational trauma, you may experience intense emotions like anger, sadness, or anxiety, that feel overwhelming and difficult to manage. When we struggle with emotional regulation, it trickles down to other areas of our lives, like mood swings, outbursts, emotional numbing, which has the impact of of making futuer interpersonal relationships and daily functioning especially difficult.
Trust Issues
Trust is foundational in any relationship, and relational trauma can severely impinge on this basic relational building block. Vulnerability, a prerequisite to trust, may become something to fear, rather than to embrace, as they live with the fear that they will reexperience the trauma. When it’s difficult to trust, it can lead to us avoiding intimate and close relationships altogether, as strategy to protect ourselves from further pain.
The Behavioral Impact of Relational Trauma
Patterns of Unhealthy Relationships
Those of us with a history of relational trauma often unconsciously repeat unhealthy relationship patterns. It’s human nature to crave the familiar, even if it may be harmful to us. We may be drawn to partners that replicate dynamics of our past trauma, which leads us to perpetuate a cycle of abuse and neglect, just with different people.
Avoidance and Withdrawal
To manage the pain of relational trauma, some of us may adopt avoidance behaviors. We might withdraw from social interactions, avoid intimacy, or isolate ourselves to prevent potential hurt. The logic is the same as ‘you can’t get into a car accident if you never get in car’. While that statement may be true, and these avoidance behaviors can provide that temporary relief, they also reinforce the other symptoms of relational trauma, like feelings of loneliness and disconnection from self and others.
Hypervigilance and Control
Those of us with relational trauma may become hypervigilant, constantly on the lookout for signs of danger or betrayal. This heightened state of alertness can lead to controlling behaviors, as we attempt to manage our environment and relationships to minimize the risk of betrayal to maximize our feeling of safety. Unfortunately, rather than creating that safety, this hypervigilence and control can create tension and conflict in relationships, as partners may feel suffocated or distrusted.
The Physical Impact of Relational Trauma
Chronic Stress
The stress of relational trauma can manifest physically, leading to a range of health issues. Chronic stress affects the body’s immune system, which can increase our susceptibility to illnesses. Additionally, you might experience headaches, gastrointestinal problems, or chronic pain, which can be often exacerbated by unresolved emotional distress.
Sleep
Sleep disturbances are common among those who have experienced relational trauma. Anxiety, nightmares, or hyperarousal, all symptoms of relational trauma, can also make it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep. As sleep is a necessity for our bodies, persistent sleep issues can lead to fatigue, impaired cognitive function, and emotional difficulties, creating a vicious cycle of distress.
Healing from Relational Trauma
While relational trauma can be powerful in its impacts on us, there are also ways to heal from the trauma.
Therapy
Participating in therapy with a licensed mental health professional can be a crucial step in healing from relational trauma. Different therapy modalities have shown in research to be effective in processing trauma, releasing negative beliefs, and developing healthy tools. Also, as relational trauma is a result of lack of safety in an important relationship, it can be healing for our systems to experience safety with another individual, even in a therapeutic context.
Building Healthy Relationships
Forming new, healthy relationships can be transformative for those of us with a trauma history. Positive, supportive connections provide opportunities to rebuild trust, practice vulnerability, and experience the secure attachment we may never have had. This process takes time and patience, but it can be an incredibly powerful component of healing.
Mindfulness and Self Compassion
Practicing mindfulness and self compassion can help us reconnect with ourselves and with managing emotional distress. Mindfulness techniques, like meditation and deep breathing, promote emotional regulation and presen tmoment awareness. Self compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness and understanding. Since relational trauma can lead to harsh criticisms and beliefs about ourselves, learning to treat ourselves with kindness instead can be very soothing to our systems.
Establishing Boundaries
Learning to establish and maintain healthy boundaries is essential for those of us healing from relational trauma. Boundaries help protect our emotional wellbeing and prevent the recurrence of unhealthy dynamics in relationships. Setting clear, respectful boundaries allows us to assert our needs and build more balanced and respectful connections.
Creative Expression
Creative expression, through activities like art, music, writing, or dance, can be a powerful outlet for processing and releasing trauma. These forms of expression provide a non-verbal means of exploring emotions and experiences. This is especially helpful if the non-verbal parts of us are holding onto that trauma. It can help us access a part of us that may not get to through traditional talk therapy.
What Next?
Relational trauma has a deep and varied influence on those of us who lived through it. As always, acknowledgement is the first step, recognizing and understanding these effects. With that acknowledgement, and the right support, you can embark on a journey of recovery, rebuilding trust, and developing healthier relationships with ourselves and others. If you’ve experienced relational trauma and want to release it from your life, please contact us for a consultation.