When Your Partner Has Trauma
When someone you love experiences trauma, its effects often extend beyond the individual and permeate the relationship. One of the most debilitating things about trauma is that it can affect everything in that person’s life, including their most important relationships. If your partner has trauma, understanding how your partner's trauma may impact you and your relationship is crucial to build a healthy and thriving relationship.
Understanding Trauma and Its Effects
Trauma can be the result of many harmful experiences, like abuse, accidents, natural disasters, or the sudden loss of a loved one. The emotional and psychological reach of trauma is wide, from anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other stress related disorders. Because the effects of trauma are so pervasive, it can have significant effects on how individuals show up in their relationships
How Your Partner's Trauma May Affect You
Living with a partner who has experienced trauma can be challenging and may impact you personally in several ways:
Emotional Impact
Empathy and Compassion Fatigue: Constantly empathizing with your partner's pain can lead to emotional exhaustion and compassion fatigue. This is especially true if you feel helpless or unable to alleviate their suffering.
Anxiety and Stress: Witnessing your partner's distress can heighten your own anxiety and stress levels, as you worry about their well-being and the future of your relationship.
Emotional Rollercoaster: Trauma can cause mood swings and unpredictable behavior, making the emotional climate of your relationship more volatile and challenging to navigate.
Relationship Dynamics
Communication Breakdowns: Trauma can make open and effective communication difficult. Your partner may struggle to articulate their feelings or withdraw emotionally, leading to misunderstandings and frustration.
Trust Issues: Past trauma, especially if it involves betrayal, can make it hard for your partner to trust others, including you. This can create barriers to intimacy and connection.
Role Shifts: You might find yourself taking on the role of a caregiver or protector, which can alter the balance of the relationship and lead to feelings of resentment or being overwhelmed.
Personal Wellbeing
Neglecting Own Self Care: In focusing on your partner's needs, you might neglect your own self care, leading to burnout and decreased overall wellbeing.
Isolation: The challenges of dealing with trauma can make other social interactions feel burdensome, potentially leading to isolation from friends and family.
Identity and Self Esteem: Constantly dealing with your partner's trauma can affect your sense of identity and self esteem, especially if you feel inadequate or unable to help.
Strategies to Navigate the Challenges
Thankfully, if you are both committed, there are things you can do to respond to these effects. Navigating the impact of your partner's trauma on your relationship will require patience, understanding, and proactive efforts from both partners, but it is not impossible.
Foster Open Communication
Create a Safe Space: Encourage open and honest conversations by creating a safe, non-judgmental environment helps your partner feel comfortable sharing their feelings.
Active Listening: Practice active listening by fully focusing on your partner, validating their emotions, and refraining from offering unsolicited advice (which can easily become criticism).
Use "I" Statements: When discussing difficult topics, use "I" statements to express your feelings without blaming or criticizing your partner. For example, "I feel worried when you withdraw because I care about you." vs “You always withdraw” - those two statements communicate very two different things.
Seek Professional Support
Couples Therapy: Consider attending couples therapy to improve communication, rebuild trust, and develop strategies for supporting each other. A trained therapist can provide valuable insights and tools.
Individual Therapy: While it’s no replacement for couple’s therapy, individual therapy may give each you the space you need to really focus on yourself to process. It’s healthy for us to have our own spaces for our own journeys.
Support Groups: Joining support groups (either for partners of trauma survivors or for survivors themselves) can provide a sense of community and shared understanding.
Prioritize Yourself
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to protect your own mental and emotional health. It's okay to take time for yourself and engage in activities that recharge you.
Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing, or yoga to reduce stress and maintain emotional balance.
Pursue Hobbies and Interests: Maintain your own hobbies and interests to foster a sense of individuality and personal fulfillment. Building fulfillment in other areas of your life can give you energy that you can then invest into your relationship.
Strengthen the Relationship
Build Trust Gradually: Building trust takes time, especially with someone who has been through a betrayal trauma. Be patient and consistent in your actions to demonstrate reliability and support.
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate small achievements and positive changes in your relationship. Small things deserve celebration too, and these small celebrations will give your relationship the ‘gas’ it needs to continue on its journey.
Show Affection: Small gestures of affection and kindness can go a long way in reinforcing your connection and showing your partner they are loved and valued.
Supporting Your Partner Through Their Healing Journey
While focusing on your own wellbeing is crucial (remember that you can’t ever pour from an empty cup), supporting your partner through their healing journey is equally important. Once you have enough in your own cup, here are some ways to provide effective support:
Educate Yourself: Learn about trauma and its effects to better understand what your partner is going through. Once we are able to understand, it unlocks empathy, patience, and compassion that may not have been available before.
Be Patient and Understanding: Healing from trauma is a slow and non-linear process. Be patient with your partner and avoid placing pressure on them to "get over it" quickly.
Encourage Professional Help: Gently encourage your partner to seek professional help, if they aren’t already. If they are experiencing stigma about therapy, remind that investing in yourself is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Respect Their Agency: Allow your partner to set the pace for discussing their trauma and healing. Respect their boundaries and avoid pushing them to share more than they are comfortable with.
At the End of the Day..
Living with and loving a partner who has experienced trauma can be personally challenging, but it is also an opportunity to deepen your bond and grow together. While nonetheless the journey may be difficult at times, the journey will be worth it to go through the process of healing and growth as individuals and as a partnership. Remember, both you and your partner deserve compassion, understanding, and the space to heal. If you or your partner are curious about exploring this more in therapy, please reach out for a complimentary consultation.